DONE DONE DONE! In case it's not clear...I am done!

Still not dead yet.  ;)  I am out of the boot from hell and in this lace up ankle brace thing that is seriously uncomfortable, I only wear it when I leave my apartment.  A week ago I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and an inner ear infection.  I know this cos I got badly dizzy and fainted in my living room.  I had to call for an ambulance.  One of the paramedics remembered me.  That is the number one sign you have become a danger to yourself...even if it is an accidental danger!  Do assisted living places take 37 year olds? ;)

It is almost Delilah's 11th birthday.  I cannot believe he is going to be 11...how did that happen?  I am amazed...I love him so much.  I am grateful daily that he is my kitty boy.  I just got the evite to my nephew's 3rd birthday.  I cannot figure out how in the hell he is about to be 3...that just is not possible, is it?  Also, I am not sure what to get him for his birthday.  Suggestions are welcomed.

I am so fucking sick of snow!  It is mid-April now...enough already!  NO MORE SNOW!  I know we need moisture, and I am all for rain.  I love rain.  But I am done with snow.  I am also done with migraines already!  The stupid meds do help, a little.  They take the edge off...but they do not make them go away.  I am not too happy about that.  I have already had two of them...this week!

I know I have said this more times than I can count...but I am so sick of hurting.  I wish that someone was willing to actually give me pain meds for my pain!  I wish there were meds that actually treated fibromyalgia, none of the ones I have taken have worked so far.  I also wish the stupid government/researchers/doctors etc would actually figure fibromyalgia out...and figure out how to fix it control it whatever...cos this shit fucking sucks and it fucking hurts and I am fucking sick of it!

Okay...I'm done.  I guess I needed a rant.  I hear my bed calling to me.  Not literally mind you...that would worry me being schizophrenic and all... ;)  Thankfully no auditory hallucinations regarding the bed at the moment.  LOL!

Random stuff about me...

I spent most of my life actively disliking raisins.  I recently bought a box of Rasin Bran Granola...and it has been yummy.

Loud noises are physically painful to me, but only certain frequencies.  I am fine at a loud rock concert, but feedback will leave me begging for mercy.

I cry when I am excited.

The first genre of books I loved were mysteries.

I played the violin when I was in grade school, I have yet to find an instrument I loved playing as much as the violin.  I had to stop because we moved, and my new school didn't have an orchestra program...just band.  I picked up the flute instead.  I hated it.

I took eight years of French, and was once fluent.  I have a feeling if I needed to remember it I could.


Even when I straighten my hair...it curls!

I didn't start biting my fingernails until I was an adult...and I don't do it all the time.

The only reason I stopped sucking on my finger at night is because I got braces on my teeth.

I was born with my feet turned in, pigeon toed, I had to wear special shoes to straighten my feet.  My legs got turned out too far which is part of why my right knee and hip are a mess.  Made for all kind of awesome when I was in ballet though. ;)  

I love to bake...but I hardly ever bother.

I needlepoint naughty sayings.  I have been working on one and off that says "Merry Fuckin' Christmas"

I hardly ever finish projects that I start.

When I was in junior high and high school and even part way into college I was an extremely prolific writer.  I rarely write anymore.  The stuff I wrote then is bloody awful!

There are poems in my poetry notebook, written during nervous breakdowns, that I don't remember writing.  But I know they are mine cos they have my name and the dates they were written on them.  There is one that has neither my name or a date on it...I am not 100% sure that I wrote it, so I don't show that one to anybody, in case it's not mine.

I broke my back once, I don't know when.  I have two theories on when it happened.  Apparently my pain tolerance is that high...so when I bitch about being in pain I bloody well mean it!

I loved ice skating when I was a kid.  We lived across the street from a pond that froze.  I ice skated every day.  I still miss it, even though it has been over 20 years.

Christmas is my favourite holiday even though I am usually depressed and it holds no religious meaning for me.

My first Doctor was Tom Baker...when I was just a little kid.

My favourite Doctor is David Tennant

I remember exactly where I was when I found out John Lennon had been killed.

I still hate the San Diego Padres for beating the Chicago Cubs in the 1984 NLCS

Here we go again...

Look at this...I'm baaack.....
I had intended to write every day this month...but I think the whole migraine turned into fractured ankle is a pretty good excuse, really.  Plus, let's face it...not a lot happens to me.  I do tend to avoid leaving my house unless it's necessary.

Yesterday I went to see the ankle specialist.  He confirmed what the ER doc said...distal fracture of the right tibia and overstretched ligament.  Happily not a surgical case.  Unhappily I am stuck in the damn boot for at least six weeks.  I hate this thing already...I would love to burn it.  Mind you, it's plastic...so I wouldn't really do that.  But I wish I could!  At least I don't have to use the crutches...I can if I need to.  Trust me I won't need to...hate the bloody things more than the boot even!  I also was not given any more painkillers, other than the few crappy ones the ER gave me.  Apparently "I won't need them" can I just say one thing...fuck you.  I have a broken bone and a ligament injury how will I not need them?  I really do hurt a lot.  More than I care to admit...but I am tired of being tough here.  This fucking hurts and it hurts a lot!  I am sick of pain being a criminal offense...it's legit...I didn't go into the ER with some vague I hurt gimme drugs symptoms I have a broken bone, I saw the bloody X-ray.  I am not sure what to do...except suffer as usual in mostly silence and be angry about it.  Eventually I will accept...today I am angry...and I feel justified in that anger.

Frustrating.  I mean my collar bone hasn't been healed for that long and now this...I am honestly sick of being physically broken.  I think I can handle the mental broken so much easier.  Some people might want to argue that one with me...

We had snow...lots of snow.  What I can see of it is very pretty.  My windows get a lot of condensation on them...and then it freezes so I can't see very well out my windows right now and my apartment does not have a defrost setting... ;)

The bed is calling my name, I am sleepy.  I have not slept well since Tuesday when I hurt myself... a nap is in order here...Dr Holly's orders...

 

Only me...

Okay so here's one for your only Holly file... March 5th ...

Migraine...take meds...go to bed...wake up on floor confused...haul self back into bed...call mum...be very confused on phone...freak mum out...get up to use loo...have legs go to jelly under you...fall and hit pile of unpacked boxes...be in so much pain can't move...call ambulance...get taken to ER...find out you have strained back muscles and fractured ankle.  Yeah fractured ankle.  Shit shit shit!  So am in one of those boot thingies and on pain meds that aren't working very well.  My back hurts too.  

To say we are not amused is an understatement. 

I think I need a padded cell somewhere...or perhaps a keeper.  Or maybe to stop leaving my bed...although apparently I fall out of that so might not help.  I don't know. :(

  

In which our blogger has a rant...

There is something I need to get off my chest...and since this is my blog...

I am so bloody tired of being diabetic!  It's been more than half my life that I have been dealing with this.  I feel like a sodding pincushion.  I am sick of the I shouldn't eat that waking up sweaty in the middle of the night shaking and sweaty and confused and needing food.  I'm sick of highs and lows and no middle ground...I dunno why I can't hit "normal" much lately.  It seems to always be one or the other.  Neither of which is good, I might add.  I just made an appt with my doc, maybe she will have some ideas.  Maybe not.  Fuck...I dunno.  I just know I am bloody tired of this.  

All the docs, nurses, educators etc told me all the counting carbs and testing and insulin doses would become second nature to me.  Yeah, they never did.  Okay maybe somtimes they are, and maybe sometimes I ignore some of it...but mostly it's a royal pain in the arse!  

Sorry it has been a frustrating weekend with this...and I just needed to say all that.  I'm done now.

It's snowing here, hard.  Which would explain why my knee has been hurting so much for days... Yesterday I was out and about with a T-shirt and no jacket on.  Gotta love this Colorado weather.  LOL!

 

 

And..we have a pattern...

Well look at this...I think we have a pattern here!  Three days in a row...nice!  Or maybe not so nice...you decide. ;)

I got together with Gina today...we went out for crack I mean boba.Same thing really.  I had a chocolate peanut butter frozen one...oh god so good!  SO GOOD!  

Then we went to the new Cost Plus World Market that just opened.  It's a new location...WAY bigger then where they were before.  And I am happy to report...
THEY HAD JAMMIE DODGERS! I had been having trouble finding them locally for years now I was so happy to see them...I bought four packages!  It was crazy crowded in there but there was music to distract me, and Jammie Dodgers, which are worth any kind of anxiety I might have had.  Happily it wasn't too bad.  I got some other stuff too but the most important by far was my yummy happy yummy Jammie Dodgers.  In case anyone wasn't clear on this...I LOVE those things.  Seriously...LOVE them!

My knee hurts...a lot.  It started yesterday.  I took some narcotic pain pills for it yesterday evening and then had a nice six hour nap.  Best sleep I have had in weeks.  Of course now that I broke down and took the pills I WANT MORE!  Fucking slippery slope having chronic pain and an "issue" with narcotics.  When I say issue, I really mean mild addiction.  I say mild cos I managed to quit on my own.  It was hell, but I managed.  I think part of the reason I want more right now is cos I am still in a hell of a lot of pain.  The problem is which is worse a mild dependance or the toll massive chronic pain takes on the body?  Six of one half dozen of the other.  It was great sleep, though.

What is this...two days in a row?!

Well, look at this...two days in a row?  Careful now, I might accidentally establish a pattern.  Now we wouldn't want that, would we?  It's not like I am a creature of habit or anything.  I cannot even say that with a straight face! I am such a creature of habit, I find comfort in my routines and rituals.  A little OCD, yeah...probably.  But to be honest, it doesn't really interfere with my life...so why mess with it?  

Last night I went grocery shopping.  I went at night for two reasons...one that's when my helper came and two far less people which means less sensory overload which means quicker trip and less trauma for me...excellent plan, yeah? More like excellent in theory...it was going okay.  I managed not to forget stuff on my list...we were getting through the store fairly quickly...things were going well.  I didn't have any urges to stop and sit on the floor and rock. I didn't have to walk away from the aisles because of too many choices. Then came check out time...

It was after 9:00 pm but I don't know the exact time...we we go to check out and all the checkouts that have people who work them are closed.  All that's open are the self-checkout lines. I HATE those things, really I do.  I swear to god they have a vendetta against me!  I roll my eyes and get ready to battle...the signs say 15 items or less and I have WAY more than that, but it's my only choice so I go for it.  I just want to pay and get out of there.  I am tired, a little short of breath courtesy of pneumonia, I can feel low blood sugar and anxiety starting to creep in around the edges...it is time to go! So I grit my teeth and get ready to do this. There are issues abound here not the least of which those self-checkout stations are not meant to handle an entire cart full of groceries, there isn't enough room and when you remove something from the bagging area it has a freak out at you and won't let you ring anything else up until you put the removed item back.  Okay, fine...whatever.  Items did not want to scan, or they would scan too many times so there was a lot of grumbling yelling and otherwise insulting the stupid machine.  I finally get everything rung up properly and my helper starts moving the bags into the cart while I am paying...it doesn't want to read my card and then it has a freak out cos bags got moved...stupid machine the shit had been rung up I was just trying to get it to read the damn EBT card...finally it does...and then it spazzes again when I try to pay for my non-food items with my debit card.  I used it as credit because it's a new card and suddenly in my haze of frustration, anxiety slightly low blood sugar etc I could not remember my new PIN number.  The bloody thing did not like that...it finally accepted it after the third try.  I was so ready to punch somebody in the damn neck by the time this was over...and the stupid attendant was not the least bit helpful!  

The thing is...there were people working there...people I know are checkers so why the hell couldn't they just open a line for me and my massive cart of groceries instead of making me do all that. I know that is bordering on wanting special treatment, but at the same time it would have been easier for everyone...especially the massive que that built up behind me! So yeah almost got out of there unscathed...almost.  

It took me a while to calm down...all the time trying to hide it from my helper.  Hiding it is so much easier than trying to explain all this to someone.  Especially someone who's first language is not English. It's my own fault, really...I can barely explain most of this to anyone...not even my best friend. It is slighly easier to write it, to be honest.  So hello there blog! I knew this thing would come in handy again someday.  Glad I didn't delete it.

On a less whacko note...my older sister and her two girls are coming this month! YAY!  I haven't seen my sister in a couple of years and I have not seen the girls in five years.  I have only met Sadie twice and Zoe once and she was only 9 months old...I doubt either one of them remember meeting me.  I am very much looking forward to that.  Nice to have something to look forward to!

 

It's....ALIVE!

In a shocking development, I suddenly miss blogging.  Who knew?!  I truly didn't think that was ever going to happen. So to ease back into this I am re-posting something I have posted elsewhere before...but some of the answers are different.   

These are the questions James Lipton asks every guest he has on Inside The Actor's Studio:

1. What is your favorite word?

Concussed.  I don't know why, it just is and I try to use it as often as I can. 

2. What is your least favorite word?

Any word used to demean a group of people.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Brains are the new sexy!

 

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Obviously fake people.

5. What sound or noise do you love?

Cathedral bells, and the carillon. They go hand in hand for me.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?

Anything loud and high pitched, fire alarms and that sort of thing.  They are literally painful to me.

7. What is your favorite curse word?

I could be witty here, but to be honest...it's fuck.  Fuck is the most versatile word in the English language...it can be used as every part of speech, how can you not love that? ;)

 

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I think forensic investigator or private detective would be way cool!

 

9. What profession would you not like to do?

I could never be a veterinarian tech, seeing animals sick and in pain makes me hurt too much.  I don't even like to see that on telly or in the movies.

 

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"You had it right, it's the faith that I care about, not organized religion.  Now go have a coffee and read a book...we have them all here."

So there you are, a little update for you.  Surprise!  I'll be back soon with more rambling, in an attempt to prove I am still crazy and still mostly harmless! :)

Icon by Kawaii Not

  

Today I am...

Today I am:

One month clean from Vicodin, and passed the rebound pain.

Six years clean from Benzodiazepines and anti-psychotics

I've been growing out my hair since November of 2009

My cat, Delilah, turns nine years old today

My parents have three showings for their house today

It's 48* F in Denver

I still love living here

I am extremely excited to watch the first Doctor Who episode of the new season!

Yum!

Grapefruit is such a pain in the ass to prepare for eating...but they are SO worth it! Every year around Christmas time a box of grapefruit would arrive at our house. My paternal grandmother, Nonnie, would have a box sent to each of her kids and their families.  It was a marker than Christmas was coming very soon, better be extra good, cos Santa is watching. ;) And oh god they tasted SO good!  They looked so pretty. Just looking at them would make my mouth water! I loved them.

Nonnie died in January of 2000, and I can count on one hand the number of times I have eaten grapefruit since then. I don't know why I stopped eating them. it wasn't a conscious decision. Last week I was in the grocery store and I walked past the display of grapefruit and suddenly I wanted one more than anything I have ever wanted before. I bought two, and hoped they would be as good as I remember. I just ate one...

Oh god so good! That's good to know! I will definitely be adding grapefruit to my diet!